


From Joy To Sorrow

by Lifeshandful



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: F/M, Grief, Joy to sorrow, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 16:34:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20085325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lifeshandful/pseuds/Lifeshandful
Summary: From Joy to Sorrow for Kelly and Shay.





	From Joy To Sorrow

** _From Joy To Sorrow_ **

11 weeks 3 days. 11 weeks 3 days, that was how far along Shay was in her pregnancy when the unimaginable happened, when her heart was torn out of her chest. They were so close, so close, to the safe zone, to the magical 12 weeks, 3 month stage, where they could finally let everybody share in their joy instead they had to share their grief.

**

_Shay dropped the spoon she was holding letting it hit the floor heavily as she let out a gasp and placed her hand on her lower stomach, the small swell had become evident in the previous days and had only caused their excitement to grow. Shay looked up and over at Kelly as he walked down the stairs immediately hurrying as he saw her panic. _

_“Shay? Shay, what’s going on?” Kelly asked as he hurriedly made his way down the rest of the stairs and over to her. _

_“Ahhh… we need to go to the hospital now.” Shay grasped his hand tightly in her own as she barely managed to get the words out through the pain._

_“Okay.” Kelly was doing his best to stay calm for her sake as he guided her out of the apartment and to his car. Everything else in that moment was forgotten about._

_**_

Shay wished in that moment when the pain first started that she didn’t have all the medical training and knowledge she had. She knew what the likely outcome would be by the time that got there but she had hoped she was wrong.

**

_ The real panic set in for Kelly when he saw the amount of blood that Shay had lost and was losing as the doctor and nurses worked around them, and the cramps that she was experiencing grew in severity. There was nothing he could do except be by her side, hold her hand tightly and whisper soft reassurances to her. He wanted so badly to take her pain away, wanted so badly for it all to be a nightmare that he could wake up from._

_It all passed in a blur for both of them, the pelvic exam, all the blood being taken for testing, and the ultrasound. It all went by in a blur except for the words that he could now here repeatedly – “I’m sorry you’ve had a miscarriage. It’s a complete miscarriage so there is nothing more we can do for you here. It’s best to go home and rest.” The doctor had seemed so impassive, so blasé about the news that was being delivered to them, the news that the baby they had longed for, the baby that had been a struggle to conceive was no longer._

_**_

The mental anguish was one that Shay was so unprepared for, the physical feeling of emptiness she had expected, and the emotional toll she could understand, but the mental anguish was unbearable. The questions were endless. It felt like they never stopped forming. _What did I do wrong? Was there more I could have done? Why me, why Kelly, why us? Am I being punished, are we? Its my fault, I broke the promise not to buy anything until after we got past the twelve weeks. Maybe this is nature’s way of telling me I’m not meant to be a mother. _Rationally she knew that it was no one’s fault, and she wasn’t being punished but she couldn’t keep those thoughts at bay.

**

_Kelly couldn’t help the smile that formed as Shay had woken him up despite the ungodly hour where the sun wasn’t even up. Her excitement was infectious. _

_“Look, Kelly, look!” She exclaimed holding her shirt up so it was tucked up under her breasts showing her stomach as she stood over him on the bed._

_“What time is it?” He asked trying to gather his bearings, finally glancing at the clock, the red numbers signalling 05.07AM._

_“Our child is finally starting to grow, and you’re worried about what time it is?” Shay asked, her voice hard although her smile gave away her happiness._

_“Come here.” He stated already pulling her down onto him so she wasn’t risking injuring herself with the bouncing she was doing. She landed lightly on his stomach, her knees on either side of his torso, her hands still holding her top up._

_“Our baby.” She spoke softly as she took his hand and placed it over the small swell of her stomach, laying her hand over top. She wanted him to be involved every step, to experience everything he could. She looked at him and watched as his smile grew._

_“Our baby.” He repeated in amazement. He had never seen Shay so happy, so content, and he couldn’t help but admit he was glad that she had asked him, had wanted him to father her child._

_**_

Kelly looked in on Shay in her darkened bedroom seeing that she had finally cried herself to sleep. He was lost, he was at a loss. All he wanted to do was take her pain away but he was in pain too, although he knew she needed his strength right now. He walked into the room and gently covered her up with her blankets knowing if she was warm she would get more sleep, or at least hoping she would. He wanted to gather her up in his arms and hold her, tell her everything would be alright, that they would get through this, but since they arrived home from the hospital she couldn’t bare to be touched, at least not be him.

He made his way out of her bedroom, leaving the door ajar, before he made his way back downstairs. He couldn’t bare to go back into his room just yet, not whilst they were both hurting. He let his weary body fall down onto the couch heavily and then scrubbed his hands over his face tiredly.

**

_Kelly smiled as he walked into the apartment finding Shay laid out across the couch asleep. He’d opted to drop her home then head to the gym after their shift. He knew she was exhausted after her shift where it seemed that the calls for Ambulance 61 were endless. He was also concerned as she had been struggling with all that morning sickness had to offer. He’d stopped on the way back from the gym at the grocers having done some research himself of things that could help ease the nausea, as well as getting some of her favourites for when she felt ready to eat._

_“Kel?” She grumbled out sleepily as she opened her eyes immediately searching for him._

_“I’m here.” He replied as he knelt in front of her, having put his gym bag down on the ground, and the groceries were already away in their rightful places._

_“I don’t feel well.” She murmured closing her eyes again._

_“I went to the store and got some things that you could try, according to the internet they can help.” He replied knowing he had probably gone a bit overboard._

_“Like what?” She asked, if it hadn’t been for how sick she felt, she would have commented on how sweet he was being._

_“Saltines, peppermint tea, trail mix, yoghurt… all sorts of things.” He could have listed off most of the items he got but decided against it._

_“Peppermint tea sounds nice.” She replied tiredly._

_“Get some sleep, and then I’ll make you some to try.” He told her seeing that she was already half way back to sleep._

_**_

Pounding the pavement wasn’t helping to clear Kelly’s mind. It was late at night but he couldn’t just sit on the couch and do nothing. He hadn’t wanted to leave Shay alone but she was asleep, he rationalised, and he had left a note next to her on the pillow as a precaution. He pushed himself harder before he came to a sudden stop, having found himself outside of the coffee shop. The coffee shop where he had said yes to Shay, yes to having a baby together. His chest heaved as he struggled to fill his lungs. He moved to sit down on the curb and blew out a deep shaky breath as he remembered how excited she was, how she hugged him tightly, and all the excitement that followed. Of course there were moments of doubt, she had tried to give him a way out many times, but he was in and he wasn’t going anywhere.

He lost track of time as he sat on the curb until the very beginnings of the sunrise caught his attention and bought him out of his stupor. He cursed under his breath and got to his feet, heading back home as fast as his legs could carry him as he didn’t want her to wake up to an empty apartment.

_**_

_Shay wondered into Kelly’s quarters with the abandoned baby girl cradled safety in her arms as they waited for social services to arrive, letting the door shut gently behind her. He turned around in his chair and let the pen drop down on top of the paperwork as she sat down on his bed. He smiled as he saw the expression on her face, the love and adoration that was blossoming, and the fact that she was absolutely radiant only added to the specialness of the moment. For now, the pregnancy was their secret, only theirs until they made it to the safe zone._

_“She’s perfect.” She spoke softly not even taking her eyes off of the baby; he wasn’t sure if she meant medically or altogether but he knew she was right._

_“Yeah she is.” He answered keeping his voice soft as he stood and shifted over to sit next to them, laying his hand to rest on Shay’s back, and giving the other hand to the baby who immediately grasped his finger whilst he let his chin rest on her shoulder._

_“It’s almost hard to believe that one of these is growing inside of me right now.” She whispered softly with a smile knowing everything they had gone through to conceive, all of the injections and inseminations, the disappointment at the first not having taken, and the joy when the second had._

_“Our baby will be gorgeous.” He spoke just as softly captivated watching both Shay and the baby. _

_“And so loved.” She added on knowing that between the both of them, and the entire firehouse family that their baby would be surrounded by so much love and support that there would never be any sense of abandonment. He simply lifted his head and kissed her temple before he settled his chin back down on her shoulder._

_**_

Shay wondered downstairs and looked at the crib that was tucked in the corner. The crib that to her signified all the loss she had suffered; the loss of Wesley, the son of Clarice’s that she was prepared take on as her own, and now the loss of her and Kelly’s own baby. It had remained untouched, and would remain unfilled. She let her fingertips brush over top of the edge then retracted her hand back towards her body and stepped back. She turned and walked back upstairs, she couldn’t bare to see anyone just yet.

**

_“What are you doing?” Kelly asked as he walked up behind Shay who was staring out the window looking at the bright stars in the dark night sky at the late hour, placing his hands on her waist, and his chin on her shoulder._

_“Thinking.” Shay answered softly smiling._

_“About what?” He asked as it wasn’t often he saw her look so content as he watched her in the reflection of the glass._

_“Our baby.” She spoke almost dreamily, smiling as she blindly reached for his hand and moved it further around to her still flat stomach, letting her hand rest over his._

_“Yeah?” He asked wondering what exactly she was thinking._

_“Uh huh… There’s a big wide world out there and we’ve created a little human. We will spend the rest of our lives nurturing this little one, and watching in amazement at all the milestones. We’ll make plans and some of them won’t come to fruition but that won’t matter. All that matters is that this child is loved, and knows that love isn’t fleeting. We see so much devastation, so much sadness, in our jobs, and as much as I would love to protect our child from all of that, I know we won’t be able too but I want our child to be brave, to be strong, to be loyal, and to love unconditionally.” She told him having spent a lot of time thinking about it._

_“This baby, our child, is so loved already by you and me. And will be so loved, so spoilt by our family, that they will know all those feelings. We will hold the little one’s hand every step of the way metaphorically and literally. And you and I, we’re always here.” He was amazed at her, at the way she had thought about those things._

_She leaned back against him and tipped her head back to lay against his shoulder, smiling and relaxed. They had so much to look forward too, a new chapter was starting, and they were closer than ever. Happiness, a happiness that was new, that was different, but so very welcome to the both of them._

_**_

Kelly walked upstairs to Shay’s room finding her sat on the floor with a small shopping bag in front of her. He paused in the doorway and frowned at how intent her focus was on the bag. She looked up and over to him, her eyes glassy and red rimmed before she held her hand out to him indicating for him to come in before she returned her gaze to the bag. He moved into the room slowly, sensing her fragility, and positioned himself in behind her, letting her fall back tiredly against him with his arms wrapping around her trembling body. His hand found her cold one, and entwined their fingers together.

He wanted to ask but he didn’t know if he could, and he didn’t know if she was ready to hear those words or answer him, so he sat patiently, grateful that she was allowing him to hold her. For now he was content with just holding her, and providing what comfort he could whilst taking comfort in the small welcoming action of her letting him in.

“I caused this.” Shay spoke so quietly that Kelly would have missed it if not for the silence of their apartment, after what seemed like forever. He was shocked and could feel his heart breaking at her admission, that she was blaming herself for the loss of their baby when there was nothing anybody could do.

“No, you didn’t. It’s nobody’s fault.” He spoke softly, struggling to get the words out as his emotions bubbled to the surface, emotions that he felt he had to keep at bay as he needed to be strong for her.

“I broke our promise… I saw them and they were perfect.” She stated as her own voice faltered.

“Saw what?” His concern growing at their conversation, and about her mental and emotional health.

“I… I’m sorry.” She let the tears fall as she turned around in his arms and desperately pressed herself into his chest, her face pressing into his neck. He wrapped his arms around her tighter and held her feeling his own tears fall. He held her, subtly rocking them both, as they cried. Through his own tears, and with a struggle, he repeatedly whispered that it was not her fault and that she didn’t cause any of this.

Eventually she pulled away from him just enough so that she could see his face before she reached over and grasped the bag, bringing it in between their bodies. She looked up at Kelly, her eyes meeting his, and he gave her a reassuring nod knowing whatever was in the bag had bought her grief to the surface.

“They were the perfect choice, and I know we made that promise not to buy the baby anything but I saw them and it was like everything was lining up.” She struggled with the words as she reminisced, her hand absentmindedly fiddling with the strap of the bag.

“Shay, stay here.” He told her as the pieces fell into place. She gave him a small nod that was laced with uncertainty before he leant forward and kissed her forehead then got up off of the ground and walked out of the room. He returned moments later with a small gift box of his own and sat back down on the ground and reached out, pulling her back to him.

“You’re not the only one who broke that promise. I bought the baby something as well. Just a spare of the moment buy. We were excited, and wanted to spoil our child. There was nothing wrong, it was a silly promise to make. Do you want to show me what you bought first?” He spoke sincerely. He sensed her hesitation but soon saw her nod and open the bag before she reached in and pulled out the rolled up bundle. With shaking hands and tear filled eyes, she unwrapped the bundle revealing four onesies, three white and one navy blue.

‘Relax My Mommy’s A Paramedic’ was the first onesie with bright red lettering on the soft white fabric. The second onesie read ‘Future Fire Fighter In Training (Just Like Daddy)’ with a helmet and an axe. The third read ‘Never Argue With A Skunk, A Mule Or A Paramedic’. And the last, the navy blue onesie that matched the colour of Squad’s shirts read ‘Chicago Fire Department’ with the matching insignia that emblazoned their own uniform.

Kelly watched as Shay laid them out on the floor, her hand ghosting over them continuously but not daring to touch them anymore.

“You’re right, they were the perfect choice.” He told her seeing the small tight lipped smile appear just as quickly as it disappeared. Two onesies for each of them, and the jobs that they loved, that had bought them together.

“What did you get?” She asked after a few minutes just looking down at the small items of clothing that would never be worn, at least not by their child.

“Here. It was a present for you and the baby.” He admitted handing her the box. He was going to wait to give Shay’s her until after she returned from maternity leave but now it felt right to give her both.

Shay shakily reached out and took the small box from him, glancing up at him before she opened the box finding two beautiful necklaces that were just like the Saint Florian, the patron saint of Firefighters, that Kelly wore.

“They are gorgeous.” She whispered as she noticed they were different Saints, and looked at him for an explanation.

“Saint Micheal the Archangel, is the patron saint of paramedics and E.M.T’s… Saint Philomena is the patron saint of children, babies, youth… I know we aren’t religious, we both know that but there’s something about the idea…” He trailed off struggling to explain that the Saint Florian necklace he wore bought him some inner peace. She nodded knowing that Kelly treasured the necklace he wore everyday, his mother had given him it, and loved the idea that he wanted to share and include the tradition.

“Can I still wear mine?” She asked quietly wanting to wear it, she had an overwhelming need to wear it, feel it against her skin.

“Its yours to do whatever you want with it.” He answered truthfully not wanting to pressure her into anything.

“Could you?” She asked as she gently lifted her necklace out of the box and held it out for him to take before she put the box and remaining necklace on the ground with the onesies. He took the piece of jewellery out of her hand and unclasped it before clasping it around her neck, letting it settle against her skin. She reached up and grasped his hand again, holding it over her heart, whilst her other hand reached up and grasped the medallion that had settled in the small notch between the ends of her collarbones on top of her breastbone. She let her eyes close softly as he looked at her.

“Thank you” She whispered before opening her eyes again, her eyes beginning to well again.

“What if this is it? What if we can’t try again?” She asked sadly. She felt like she had let Kelly down, that her body had failed them both, and she wondered what happened next with them; she couldn’t help but wonder if the loss, if the strain would be too much for them to bear.

“What do you mean?” He asked wanting to know what Shay was thinking, where her head was at. There was a vulnerability he had never seen or heard from her, and it scared him. There was so much beyond his control, her control, but he wanted to do everything he could to help.

“I failed, my body failed. You were so excited to be a Dad Kel. You’re going to be an amazing Dad but what if this is it? What if I have another miscarriage? What if I can’t get pregnant again?” She spoke honestly, her hand clutching his even tighter against her chest.

“And you were so excited to be a Mom… Nothing changes with us. I love you Leslie Shay, always. And if you want, when you’re ready, we will try again.” He told her firmly meaning even word, and realising just what was going on in her mind.

“Yeah?” She questioned absolutely amazed by his words.

“Yeah.” He answered resolutely.

“I love you Kelly Severide, always.” She told him as she pushed herself in closer to him, wanting, needing his comfort. He moved just enough so that they were both comfortable and entangled in each other, both seeking and giving comfort to the other.

“Its supposed to hurt, and we’re allowed to be sad. We will never forget about this, but we are allowed to be happy, and move forward when we’re ready. I’m here Shay, if you need to cry, or scream, or vacuum at 4am, or cuddle, or anything else… I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” He told her needing her to know it was okay to feel what she felt, and to not bottle it up or hide it. His words weren’t just to her though, they were to himself as well.

The silence that settled over them wasn’t uncomfortable or awkward, instead it allowed them to process and to grieve both separately and together. They found a peace that had been shattered the moment the pain had started, but what they did know was that as painful as it was for both of them, it was also powerful in a way they could have never imagined as it only solidified their bond and their resolve for the future.


End file.
